Tis the Will of the Gods
by Crackius Fictionus
Summary: As Ziva prepares to leave NCIS forever, she calls her team mates together to bid them a final farewell. Please adhere to the warning within.


A/N:- **Disclaimer: An infringement of copyright is not intended and no profit has been made from its creation.**

**A/N:-**Hard as it may be to believe, this story was not written out of spite or small-mindedness, nor is it a shot at any of the cast. It is, most definitely, a poke in the eye to the show's writers and producers who, despite the wishes of many loyal, long-term fans, chose to under-utilize the superb **_ensemble_** cast to focus on Ziva and TIVA. Shame on them. If you are particularly sensitive about Ziva or TIVA - stop reading now.

**Tis the Will of the Gods**

Tony stepped out of the elevator, still grumbling under his breath that he'd been called into work on the team's first day off in three weeks. Striding to the bullpen, he saw McGee already seated at his desk.

"What did you do this time?" McGee asked.

"What?"

"We've been called in to the director's office on our day off," McGee explained. "That usually means something is seriously wrong or someone screwed up."

"And you automatically assume that it's me?"

"Who else could it be?" McGee asked.

Tony's brow furrowed.

"Maybe you're right, Magoo?" he said, anxiously counting on his fingers. "Wouldn't be Gibbs – he and Vance have been pretty tight lately. It wouldn't be you, McDudley Do-right. And ever since Jackie Vance and old Eli died, the director thinks the sun rises and sets between Ziva's fuzzy pink butt cheeks. That just leaves me."

"So, I ask again…what did you do this time?" McGee asked.

Tony narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips in thought.

"It could be…nah, he couldn't have found out about that," Tony chuckled nervously. "And there was the time…but that was years ago."

A sharp whistle interrupted Tony's thoughts and he and McGee looked up to see Gibbs on the mezzanine level.

"Come on," he said, gesturing them upstairs.

"Boss?" McGee replied. "Ziva's not here yet."

"Come on," Gibbs repeated and disappeared from view into Vance's office.

Exchanging a shrug, Tony and McGee scaled the stairs quickly and knocked on the door of the director's office before entering. They exchanged another confused glance as they saw the sombre faces of Gibbs, Abby, Ducky and Palmer and Vance all seated around the conference table.

"Come in, take a seat," the director said. "We're about to start."

Nodding silently to the others, Tony and McGee took their places at the conference table as the director engaged SCIF mode.

The large plasma screen emitted a blast of static and the test pattern counted down from five to zero as Ziva's face appeared.

"Good evening," she said. "Thank you all for coming I regret that I cannot be there with you but a desperate situation has made it necessary for me to return to my homeland to do my father's bidding."

"Your father's bidding?" McGee repeated. "You mean, you've returned to Israel."

Ziva smiled benevolently.

"Oh, McGee, how I will miss your naivety. Eli and Rivka David are not my biological parents."

"They're not?"

"Of course not,"she scoffed. "For I am the daughter of Amazon Queen Hippolyta and Zeus, philandering king of the Greek gods."

"How many times do I have to warn you to lay off the arak, Ziva?" Tony quipped. "You know that stuff makes you crazy."

"Wait!" Abby said. "Ziva's leaving? This can't be happening. Gibbs, tell her she can't go."

Gibbs placed a supportive arm around Abby's narrow shoulders.

"Already tried, Abs. Her mind's made up."

"But…but why?" the forensic scientist asked.

"Because I feel I can longer add value to the team," Ziva said frankly. "It is not possible for the writers to distort the credibility of my character any further without publicly revealing my true identity. Plus, I have unwittingly become a principal player in one of the most frustrating prick teases in the history of television."

"You can't leave," Abby insisted. "What about Tony? He needs you to protect him and tell him what to do."

"Tony will be fine," Ziva replied. "Despite how his character has been written over the past five years, Tony is not an idiot. God gave him a brain and a penis but only enough blood to run one at a time. Once I am gone, he will return to the clever, astute agent he once was."

Tony squirmed uncomfortably in his chair as the blood ran from his brain to…somewhere else.

"I do not have much satellite time left but I have farewell gifts for you all," Ziva continued. "Director, would you mind?"

Vance walked across the room and gathered a number of gift-wrapped boxes from his office couch. Reading the name tags he distributed them among the others and returned to his seat.

"Director," Ziva said. "Perhaps you would be so kind as to could open yours first?"

Vance opened the box and peered in. His eyes opened wide in surprise.

"Director, please accept my **Lasso of Truth. **It compels all beings that come into contact with it to tell the absolute truth and it is virtually indestructible. It should prove to be exceptionally helpful when you are dealing with the Pentagon and the White House, yes?"

"Yes, it will," Vance grinned. "Thank you, Ziva."

"McGee?" Ziva said, watching as the IT Specialist removed the gift wrapping and opened his gift. "For you, McGee, I have chosen my **Bracelets of Victory** which were formed from the remnants of Athena's legendary shield. These forearm guards are able to absorb the impact of incoming attacks from automatic weapons fire and energy blasts - including penetrating wounds from large shards of glass that band aids cannot reasonably be expected to fix."

McGee cleared the emotion from his voice.

"I'll miss you Ziva."

"I know," she said before turning to Abby.

The forensic scientist gasped as she opened her gift box.

"Oh my God, Ziva, it's beautiful."

"That is my **Golden Tiara** which symbolizes my status among my people. It has also been used as a razor-edged throwing weapon, returning like a boomerang, and it has proven invaluable in camouflaging my wicked widow's peak."

"I'll treasure it," Abby sobbed.

"Ducky," Ziva said. "To you I leave my **Purple Ray** healing device. It is able to completely heal a vast array of injuries except the most severe. Although it will not revive those you treat in the autopsy rooms, it may one day be used to resuscitate you in case of another heart attack."

Ducky shook his head in awe.

"Always thinking of others," he said. "You will be missed, dear girl."

"Jimmy" she said as Palmer opened his gift. "**The Sandals of Hermes** are winged sandals that grant flying capacity and speed to the one who wears them and should satisfy your rather disturbing shoe fetish."

"Do you have something with a court heel? Flatties always make my ankles look fat," Palmer said before wincing at the anger flashing in Ziva's dark eyes.

"To Gibbs, the man who has been like a father to me, I leave you the keys to my **Invisible Plane **which was once a Pegasus given to me by the Gods of Mount Olympus, provided that I had the skill to tame it –, which, of course, I did. As science overtook sorcery the flying Pegasus evolved into the invisible plane. This was less painful on the ass and looks no more ridiculous than in New Born King when I fired two handguns at an assailant from ten feet away and did not kill him. As, at times, our driving skills appear comparable it is hoped the plane will keep you off the roads and transport you safely to your destination."

The stoic former Marine looked unusually close to tears.

"Gotta say, I'm moved as all hell, Ziver…but I was kinda hoping for another of those Buck Morris chisels ya gave me when you got back from Somalia."

Looking slightly shaken, Ziva moved on to her final team member.

"Tony – our journey together has not been without its problems but I take solace in the fact that you have always loved and desired me. After all, you are a mere mortal, yes? Did you think you could fool me so easily? Despite your weak attempts to cover your feelings, I know that it was not your knee in the bed in Undercovers or in the park in Dead Air. For you, I leave my **Golden Girdle of Gaea**, which will provide you with enhanced strength – especially now that I will no longer be there to protect you from angry pool-playing rednecks and nasty female flight attendants. In addition, the girdle will help pull in your gut should you ever decide to wear the light grey OHS sweats or the fat Elvis suit again."

"Ziva…I…I just can't let you leave without telling you," Tony uttered, moved beyond words.

"Yes, Tony?"

"It was Tony Manero not Fat Elvis! Come on!"

"I must go, my friends, for my superhuman abilities are needed in a world far from here. Remember me fondly as that is how I shall remember you all."

With a final, sad smile the transmission ended and the image disappeared.

"I can't believe it," Palmer said. "All this time, Ziva wasn't Ziva at all but Diana of Themysciara."

"We should've seen it," Vance said. "All the signs were there."

"She was as beautiful as Aphrodite," McGee stated.

"As wise as Athena," Abby sniffed, swiping at a stray tear.

"Swifter than Hermes," Ducky added.

"Stronger than Hercules," Gibbs said.

All eyes turned to Tony, watching as he struggled with his emotions. He refused to believe that the only thing he ever truly wanted was now beyond his grasp. He had to do something, _anything,_ and he wasn't prepared to give up without a fight.

"Boss?" he said, his eyes filled with desperation. "If I give you and IOU for a Buck Morris chisel, could I have the Invisible Plane?"

Goodbye, Wonder Woman, and good luck!

* * *

A/N - This is my opinion - whether or not you agree with it, I have the right to voice it. If you chose to ignore the warning at the beginning of this story, you got what you deserved.


End file.
